I’ve been struggling with a few aspects of my life in the past few months and a few things came together to send me into a bit of a downward spiral. One of those things which have been weighing heavily on my mind is my recent posts here as well as the few other writing projects I’ve been working on that just haven’t seemed to be working out at all lately.
My morning writing period had begun to deteriorate from a time I anticipated each day into a time of dread and countless moments to be spent staring at a blank page. The more I struggled the louder the voice inside my head got. This voice was not a cheerful and encouraging muse but a negative and angry voice determined that the only solution to such struggle would be to give up and quit, that it just isn’t worth it.
I am however terribly stubborn and so the louder that voice became the more determined I became to silence that critical voice in my head by fighting against it. It seemed that fighting it wasn’t helping however it was like a finger trap the harder I pulled against it the tighter its grip became.
It took me a while to realize what was happening and by the time I did the voice had reached a crescendo, a loud and overwhelming pitch that could no longer be ignored and had bled into every other aspect of my day to day activities.
I’d hit a low spot and despite my frustrations I refused adamantly to give in to it but I was also able to see that pulling against it wasn’t working either. So I decided to come at it from a different angle and stop, not to quit, but just to take a break.
I thought to try and remind myself of the positives in my life and forget the negative. Stop staring at the blank page in front of me and just relax and perhaps by doing so convince the negative voice in my head to chill the fuck out and encourage the positive one to start speaking up again.
I began to see how I had begun to perpetuate the negatives, that I am my own worst enemy in moments of struggle. How the voice spouting words of negativity wasn’t some disembodied part of my psyche but my own voice and that what I tell myself will perpetuate and become reality.
It would certainly be easier to just give up on writing but, and this is a really big BUT, then there would be nothing. I would rather write a thousand terrible posts, a thousand terrible stories because at least then I will always have a chance. A chance that someday I will find one within me that is great.
Today's post is a reminder to myself that what I think about my writing or anything else I do for that matter is mine and I will own it with pride. I does not matter whether or not something I write is perfect or crap, or if others think of it one way or the other as it is mine and it is just one more chance for me to find the gems hidden amongst the dirt.
