Lessons

I see a lot of information offered on what I as a parent can teach my children in life but rarely do I see the idea presented that sometimes your children teach you just as much as you teach them.  After all nothing has taught me more in life and about life than being a parent has.

I’m not talking about the everyday learning of how to soothe a squalling baby or how to remove grass stains, or even the concepts of 7^th grade math.  When it comes to those things I certainly know more than my girls do but what I’m talking about is the more abstract things that having children can teach.

Being a parent reminds you of the wonders and perspective of childhood that as an adult we’ve long forgotten.  Perhaps all of the things that having children teaches us we did all know at some point but it was left behind with our own childhood.

Children teach us, or perhaps remind us, of the value of new experience.  Children love to explore and learn and they serve as a reminder that we ourselves still have a lot to learn about the world around us.  A child can teach us (or remind us) that learning is fun perhaps even something to love.  

They also tackle new things without the same fears that often stop us as adults from exploring them.  We’ve learnt to be cautious and to fear the unknown.  While some fear and caution is certainly prudent we should not fear them simply because they are unknowns.

Remember for a child everything in life is a new thing. Imagine if never having seen or heard of snow in your life you did. Imagine walking out your front door to see such a dramatic change, the world completely coated in a substance you had never seen before.  

What do you suppose your reaction would be?  Certainly not to go out and explore this new found wonder, yet this is exactly what children do day after day.  Much of the world is unknown to a child yet they continue to explore it without fear.

Take also that absolute wonderment in the world that children see.   My children have taught me to be curious about the world again, to look at the bugs and plants and creatures of our shared world and amaze in it.

They have taught me to play again, to not worry what anyone else might think of me, to love unconditionally, and to love myself in any way shape or form.  They have taught me to adapt on the fly, to do things spontaneously to be creative and just have fun.   

So while I take them by the hand in order to teach them I will also try to remember to watch for the lessons they still have to teach me.

You're Talking About Me

In celebration of International Women’s day I went out with a group of women for a girl’s night. Ok not really it was simple coincidence that our dinner fell on the same day.  I had by the time I went out for dinner however been made aware of what day it was and so it did occur to me what a great way it was to mark the day.

Now it so happens that I don’t know a few of the women I dined with but it did seem we all got on quite well and I think we had a rather nice and pleasant evening talking and joking and laughing.  It was really quite nice and the food was absolutely delish.         

There was only one point in the night’s conversation that was disquieting to me.  At one point our conversation turned to the age at which we had children.  My one friend is expecting and is now technically an “older mom”.  She is dealing with the possible added risks and also with the criticism imagined or real about having another child later in life. 

I don’t really consider her an older mom nor do I give much credence to there being a perfect or best age to have children anyways.  I, as in most other things, believe each person’s life can bring about many different options and paths and only the person living that life knows which choices are right for them.

There are women who become mothers young, those when they are older, those who are in between old and young and those who choose not to have children at all. There are women who have one child and those who have four.  There are women who go to extraordinary measures to become mothers and those who don’t.  Some who planned and plotted out the specific steps they will take to motherhood, those who were surprised by it and some whose plans were changed along the way.

There is no one right way to become a mother each person’s path depends on so many factors that it can only be so.  That is my own opinion of course and I’m sorry to say I have seen many times over my own years of motherhood that there is a real bias about the “right” age to become a mother, particularly from other mothers.

As the conversation flowed around me and it turned into a conversation about how glad some were to not have had their own children pre-thirties or god forbid pre mid-twenties as I did I suddenly fell quiet. 

It just so happened that when the conversation turned I had a huge mouthful of chicken and by the time I was able to speak again I wasn’t quite sure how to interject that they were basically talking about me.  

Some of the women I went out with did not realize that I was and I suppose still am a young mother and at this point I now realize I quite studiously began ignoring the conversation. 

I’m not ashamed of being a young mother. I just couldn’t quite figure out the way to tactfully say that I am one without seeming defensive.  I didn’t want to embarrass anyone who may have thought they had said something rude or offensive.   Admittedly a few comments were walking the line but nothing had quite crossed it yet.

I’m afraid to say that I if the friend I had arrived with had not suddenly thrown me into the conversation with a slightly panicked “you were pretty young when you had E right?” that we weren’t that far off from a downright disapproval of all younger mothers being expressed.     

I have heard much criticism and back handed comments about being a young mother since I had my oldest child and it no longer particularly bothers me.  I’m confident and happy with the life I lead and the choices I have made. I have no need or reason to defend my life. This is who I am if you don’t like the choices I have made well too damn bad it isn’t really your concern.

The point is that I despite not feeling a need to defend myself or particularly insulted by the conversation is that I still can’t quite help myself from wishing that everyone would realize that none of us should ever make a judgment about someone else’s life choices.  To each his own, for good or bad we are all equal and the more women and men who feel that way the better.

After all you never know if the person you’re talking about is also the person you’re talking to.